A Travel Memoir: Distorted by Time and Wine

Right. So 2009 has got off to a predictably erratic start.
I still haven't written anything about Thailand, while Claire put me to shame whilst we were traveling by providing a constant stream of up to the minute news for her loyal readers.

So here's a slightly tipsy Thailand top ten:

1. People watching at our hotel in Ko Lanta. The best bit? Getting to spend the afternoon observing the incredibly effeminate, babyfaced, haughty fire-twirler rehearse whilst I pretended to write postcards. I would have filmed him but Clarie said that would be immoral...didn't stop us filming the show though!

2. Overcoming my (mostly) irrational fears of sharks and swimming out to reef to go 'snorking.' A big thank you to the hapless Swedish man who let me surreptitiously follow him around...safety in numbers and all that. And I saw squids Brie!

3.The Bo Sang Umbrella festival. Bo Sang is famous for its paper parasols and every year hold a festival which features shop-front decoration competitions, umbrella making demonstrations and the Miss Bo Sang competition! Like Miss World the contestant must be beautiful on the inside and outside but unlike Miss World she must also be able to speak the northern Thai dialect and ride up and down the main street of Bo Sang on a bicycle whilst carrying an umbrella and dressed in full traditional costume. Brilliant. And the bikes were still plastic wrapped.

4. The 'Airobic' Dance Competition. This is technically part of the Umbrella Festival but gets it own listing because it was amazing. Seemed to be a competition between different 'airobics' schools. Predictably there was a lot of fluro, Lycra and sweat bands but more Blondie and cross-dressing than you'd expect. The competitors were introduced by two MCs who engaged in warm and witty banter evident to even us non-Thai speakers - amazing how the formulas are universal! The dancing was too-briefly interrupted by an amazing stand-up who the crowd adored.She was utterly hilarious even though we couldn't understand a word. Also entertaining, but unintentionally so, was watching what looked to be 3 Uni students who had spontaneously decided to set up a stall selling white bread, toasted, and then cut into little squares with condensed milk poured over it. They were doing a very poor job of it. It was rather like watching the Young Ones crossed with Faulty Towers.

5. Being driven home from Bo Sang in an emergency services vehicle by two teenage volunteers as all the taxi drivers were too busy in the pub getting drunk. After being surrounded by a large group of uniformed, piggy-tailed keen and curious volunteers we were squeezed into a car and delivered safely to Chiang Mai. I think they were just as excited to have something to do as we were to have a means of transport home.

6. Mmmmmmmm. The food. Yet another highlight of Bo Sang was the 15B meal of fish curry with vermicelli noodles, fresh herbs, pandang flavoured iced water and oranges. And the lovely company of the family who made it. The best meal of my trip.

7.Meeting Lorenzo the amazing New Yorker at cooking school. The only consolation was the weeks worth of entertainment a few hours in his obnoxious company provided us. But he's not the biggest dickhead I've ever met Claire! Once I met someone who was such a dickhead my heart almost stopped beating... Also, my mortar and pestle is coming along nicely - how bout yours?

8. Drinking iced coffee out of a plastic carry bag in Bangkok. Can't believe I only discovered this deliciousness on my last day.

9. The bells and gongs being rung at 5am in the Wat beside our guesthouse to wake up the town! And all the dogs howling their protest at their disturbed sleep as if the bells were STILL an unexpected intrusion. I do actually miss that! Speaking of dogs - all the pus in Chiang Mai were dressed in little t-shirts to keep them warm! Even the house cat had a little red shirt...I didn't recognise her when it was taken off one warm day!

10. Meeting the amazing people we did: the couple who convinced the security guard to let our taxi through the barricade onto the main street of Bo Sang; wonderful Aum and the other girls at the Chiang Mai TAT; Nut, with the shop selling beautiful products made by the women of her village at Bamboo Bay, who was so willing to help us get around; all the possibly stoned, often surly, utterly lovable staff of Baan Phu Lae; the taxi driver who did a truly admirable job of reading our lonely planet and driving in heavy traffic at the same time, all the while trying to communicate the name of his hometown (and its fame for dinosaurs!) to the ignorant passenger foolish enough to ask; Tin, who drove us around Ko Lanta in his motorcycle side car, asking us politely to move forward on our seats to get up the hills and to sit back in order to prevent us crashing through buildings and into the sea when we went down a particularly steep one; Tin's aunt from Bamboo Bay who introduced us to Tin and even rang that afternoon to make sure we had a good time; the very camp man and gorgeous man at the Chiang Mai textiles museum who insisted on showing me how to put combs in my hair; the women in the Saar paper outfits at Bo Sang; the other woman at Bo Sang who explained the Miss Bo Sang competition to us (Miss World! Miss Thailand! Miss Bo Sang!); the ex-monk turned internet exporter and the old lady outside the family shop who gave me an orange for no apparent reason at all.